My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
