The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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