i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
