So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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