Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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