life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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