Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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