The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
