i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
