So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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