Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
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