Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
