I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
