y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
