I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
