When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
