New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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