I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
