i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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