if you like me you must not know who I am
zippers are such a cool invention
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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