shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
