You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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