When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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