Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
