just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
