Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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