Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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