He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
