We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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