I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
