Soap is not a condiment
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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