So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
