Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
you never un-have a 4some
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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