Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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