I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
