i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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