dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
After last night, I could never be a politician.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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