Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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