I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
