It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
