Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm way too hungover for life right now
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
