I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
