Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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