im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
