kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
3 2 1 whiskey
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
