She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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