Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
