The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
