So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
