Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
