everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
this just has baby written all over it
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
