And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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